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THE REV REVIEWS: Sept 2 Dismember (9.13.08)

By Reverend Rogue Six

(Disclaimer: The views expressed in the following are purely those of the columnist.)

"I looked, and there before me was a pale horse. Its rider was named Death, and Hell was following close behind him. They were given power over a fourth of the Earth to kill everyone by sword, famine, and plague, and by the wild beasts of the Earth." (Revelations 6:8)

This cryptic prophecy was playing on my mind as I entered the Armory that Saturday night, wondering what new acts of violence would be forthcoming.

The show began with the arrival of MCW's mouthpiece, Nick Andrews -- and he was without his large shadow, Big Hurt. "Curious..." I thought. Wherever you saw Nick, you saw his shadow...

For the opening match, Nick introduced a new and returning MCW Original that, according to Nick, they "didn't really claim" -- none other then Nikki Skidz (I have to admit that I haven't seen any one sporting a purple leopard-print shirt like his since the early days of Poison...), who was armed with a can of hairspray that was either missing his hair altogether or aiming for the ozone layer...I have to say, after their last few matches, I was wondering if the last restraining order Jessika took out on him was still in effect. But I digress.

Nikki's opponent for tonight was to be none other than...Otis.

Okay, at least he's wrestling someone relatively within his gender.

Otis spent a few moments getting love from the crowd before getting in the ring and getting to work. After a few moments of Nikki trying to get something started on Otis, the impossible happened -- Nikki unmasked Otis!

Otis covered his head for a moment, then suddenly stopped, lowered his arms, and raised his head...HOLY BACK FROM THE DEAD, BATMAN! It was none other then Lones Oaks himself! The founder of MEWL and Team Pain had returned! The tone of the match -- and Nikki's confidence -- had suddenly taken a drastic turn, and for Nikki, it was not a good one.. Within several moments, it took a thundering T-Bone suplex and a wrapup to make Nikki tap out.

As the crowd cheered, Lones asked for the mic. He told the crowd that he was indeed back and this was his company. He worked too long and too hard in a factory to make the money to buy a ring and build up this promotion to let someone like Justin Diaz rip him off when he was ill. Lones then called out Team Pain. Out came Christian Vaughn, Johnny Gun, Mike Hercum, Chris Kole, and Dick Jeremy (good lord, Team Pain was bigger then I knew of...) to the ring to welcome their leader.

Lones said to Vaughn that he was right, he'd told Lones that Diaz was no good, but Lones confessed to a bad habit -- he only saw the good in people. (Hey, so do I...) But that was in the past, Team Pain was back at full strength, and then Lones called out MCW.

"You Spin Me ‘Round" began to play, and out came Justin Diaz. In response to his appearance, chants of "DIAZ SUCKS" and "GAY BOY" began as Diaz took a mic of his own.

Diaz wasn't at all thrilled at Oaks' return, and dismissed it with a summary "So what?"

He turned his attention to Christian Vaughn, reminding him that he'd "gotten lucky tonight", referring to his match with Shasta being delayed due to Shasta's back surgery, and added that "there was a big surprise in store" for him and that it "was gonna get ugly" in October.

To Johnny Gun, he remarked how much the crowd liked him, and wondered how much they'd like the way he looked after Diaz was finished with him in their North American championship title match tonight. Gun didn't look too nervous.

For Dick Jeremy, Diaz simply called him a "turncoat" and told him to "go back up the street, where you came from"...

Then he turned his attention to Chris Kole, who he berated for disappearing after losing his title; he also tore into him for flooding his computer with emails asking for his rematch and never showing for it. As far as Diaz was concerned, this would put anyone like Chris back to the bottom of the list of contenders, but he was going to give Kole one last chance; he'd face Mike Hercum in a Contender's match -- and if Kole lost, he'd never receive another shot again, adding that he "might as well get used to wrestling the first match of the night ", because that's all he'd be doing. Diaz turned to Hercum and asked him one question - could he trust Kole?

As the chants started again, Diaz looked to Vaughn and reminded him that "there was a surprise" for him from Shasta, called Jeremy "a piece of crap", and told Johnny Gun to "get some adult diapers, because tonight, [his] ass was gonna bleed" (okay, now there's an image for you) as he turned around and headed to the back. Christian took the mic and said that "MEWL is together, and now Team Pain is back!"

Chris Kole defeated Mike Hercum to become the new #1 Contender to Jebediah's Heavyweight title in a match that was not only technically sound and crisp, it also carried a surprise or two -- Kole executing a Great Muta-style backspring elbow (shades of Mike Awesome - seeing a big man like Kole move like Muta) and Hercum hitting a BookEnd. What astounded me even more was that Kole won the match fair and square. (I knew he had it in him.) After the match, Kole helped a stunned Hercum to his feet and shook hands with him in a great show of respect. I couldn't help but wonder what Diaz's reaction was to this win...probably something along the lines of "Dammit!"

A few moments after the match, down to the ring came MEWL Women's Champion Jessicka Havok (sporting a pair of furry boots that made me wonder if she'd gone to Torrie Wilson's yard sale...). She took the mic and began a fairly tedious monologue on her 2-year career in wrestling and how many people she'd defeated in the ring, going on and on and on...when music started to play. Out from the back came -- folks, I have to be honest here, it's not that often that the Reverend is at a loss for words, but words can't adequately describe the person who came out towards the ring...let's just say the scariest-looking black woman (and I'm using the term very loosely here) short of RuPaul came out and got in the ring. If you ever watched Cleveland All-Pro Wrestling, you would have recognized the one and only Super Oprah.( I must also confess that my notes at one point got a little hard to read, because I was momentarily struck blind -- and so was referee Earl Robinson when he checked her for foreign items...) Jessicka was visibly frustrated as she tried to wrestle Super Oprah, who was able to either counter her moves or upset her concentration. At one point, Oprah reached in her dress and pulled out -- oh my dear freaking lord -- a used tampon. (Yes, I said it.) This was the main component of what has to be the world's most nastiest move in wrestling I've ever seen (and I've been watching wrestling since the late ‘70s): the Tampon Claw (think of Mick Foley's Mandible Claw -- but only there's no Socko...the rest will come to you...)

As I always believe in giving credit where it's due, Jessicka recovered quite well from this, and nailed Oprah with a surprising tilt-a-whirl head scissors and a big boot that Kevin Nash himself would have saluted.

Oprah set Havok up for a Bronco Buster in the corner (Oh, this will be ugly, I thought), but at the very last second, she managed to move out of the way, and Oprah winded up upside-down, crashing to the mat. Jessicka quickly capitalized on the fall, rolling up Super Oprah and using the ropes for leverage to score the pinfall win.

After the bell, Super Oprah caught Havok and leveled her with a vicious choke slam! She took the mic, announced who she was (if we didn't know), and then got down into Jessicka's face, saying "you messed with the wrong bitch, Havok...I'm coming for you!"

I have to say, I've never laughed as hard as I did with this match. There were people around me with tears streaming down their faces, and one question on their minds: "who -- or what -- the hell was that?"

MCW Original and MEWL Heavyweight Champion Jebediah completely dominated the Rootin' Tootin' Buckaroo in a match that went out of the ring for several moments and ended when Jebediah reversed an airplane spin into what appeared to be an inverted suplex/backbreaker combo for the pin.

Nick Andrews announced that the Main Event would feature MEWL Cruiserweight Champion Supa Lucha against another returning MCW Original -- but wouldn't say who as the show went to intermission.

During the intermission, a table and chairs were brought into the ring. I wondered what this was for -- a TLC match? No, they were being set up and arranged, that wasn't it. Arm-wrestling? Maybe...

MCW referee Dave Rogers and MEWL referee Logan Scott entered the ring -- hmm, maybe a referee match? There'd be a first...no, this was a special contract signing for the match between Christian Vaughn and Shasta -- which would now be at the October show instead of this one. First to the ring was Vaughn, then as "Stranglehold" played, out to the ring came Shasta, who took the mic and reminded the crowd why there's no match between him and Vaughn, due to his back surgery., and commented on Vaughn's YouTube promo. Vaughn said that he had his own reason s for calling out Shasta -- for 3 years, he felt he had something to prove, and as one of Shasta's protégés, he wanted to show that he could surpass his teacher, and this match would be his chance.

Shasta said that since the fans had to wait for their match, he wanted to add something extra to the mix; the match was already a no-DQ/Falls Count Anywhere, so for October 11th, there would be another stipulation to the match: Fans Bring The Weapons. This brought cheers from the crowd (if you've never been to a match like this, folks, let me tell you, it's going to be one hell of a ride). Shasta signed the contract, then handed the pen to Vaughn, saying "here, boy -- sign your destiny." Christian was a little reluctant at first, but then signed the papers and left the ring with a look of -- reluctance? Second thoughts? Or perhaps the realization that he'd just crossed his personal Rubicon? We'd see in a month.

The table and chairs were removed from the ring, and it was time for the North American championship match, which would swiftly become one of the two most controversial matches of the night.

Justin Diaz had just nailed Johnny Gun with a Shattered Dreams in the corner, when Mike Hercum (who'd accompanied Johnny to the ring) got up on the apron and distracted Logan Scott, who should have DQ‘ed Diaz for the move. Diaz was equally distracted by the argument, which allowed Lones to sneak into the ring (apparently he'd been hiding under the ring), spear Diaz out of his boots, and roll out. Johnny rolled up Diaz just as Logan turned around, and with a 3-count, we apparently had a new N.A champion!

Remember -- I said "apparently".

Out to the ring comes MCW Original -- and MEWL Senior Referee -- Dave Rogers, who berated Logan reversed the decision, and ordered the match restarted ! Within a few moments, Diaz had regained his title, much to the disgust of the crowd -- and the delight of Nick Andrews.

[Folks, allow me to go slightly off-topic here: I do my best to be the soul of impartiality, I really do. But I'm also a human being and I'm a fan as well...and this wasn't right. Senior Referee Rogers seemed to be conspicuous by his absence whenever MCW used dishonest tactics to win matches, but when MCW's in danger of losing a title, it's then he decides to show up? Some might say that he was out of control this night, maybe guilty of abusing his power and selectively enforcing rules - but I'm not, since this is the first time I've seen something like this at an MEWL show. All I'll say to Referee Rogers is one phrase -- "conflict of interest". I'm calling for the appointment of an overall troubleshooter to keep things like this from happening again, someone with allegiance to no particular side at all. The rules need to apply to both sides. Enough said.]

To Johnny Gun, I bestow my "Uncrowned Champion" award -- that belt was yours, boyo.

Luis Diamante pulled out the surprise upset of the night, catching Brandon X-- who was dominant for a great part of the match -- in a modified octopus hold to score a submission win. Brandon X gets my "Mind Games" award for messing with Diamante's head by giving him a Taco Bell order as they sized each other up. (Hey, it was funny...)

A side note to MEWL fans -- for future reference, Puerto Rico is a part of the US territories, folks; the "USA" chant is always appropriate, don't get me wrong -- but in this match? Not so much. Just the Rev's contribution to education...

MEWL Tag Team Champions Wilbur Whitlock and Durty the Clown managed to retain the titles against the team of Jazin Blaze and Eric Ryan on another reversed referee's
call , thanks to Durty's sticking a knuckleduster in Jazin's pants after using them on Ryan. Jazin had legally rolled up Durty, and the 3-count had given them the win -- and the titles -- but Time Traveler told the ref of the foreign object Blaze had, and as quickly as Blaze and Ryan had gotten the belts, they lost them. This was a lousy end to a great match, and once again, viable new champions were robbed. [To the Time Traveler, all I can say is -- well-played, sir, well-played.]

I've got to say, the team of Blaze and Ryan bring to mind comparisons to the Hardys and even the Rock-n-Roll Express. They were great to watch, and if there's any justice (and if Wilbur and Durty have the cojones), there'll be a rematch.

Before the Main Event started, an announcement was made -- due to time constraints, there would be a 15-minute time limit on the match, and would be a Cruiserweight title match.

Out to the ring came Supa Lucha, and then out came -- Big Hurt?? Was this going to be a replay of last month's show, where BH turned Lucha into a javelin? I heard Lucha ask the ref -- Dave Rogers -- if that was his opponent; Rogers said "no, but you'll wish it was..." When Big Hurt went to sit next to Nick Andrews, that answered that question. The mystery opponent turned out to be an MCW Original I must confess I've not seen before -- Krazy.

This match was what could best be called a virtual game of human chess, both men matching and countering moves, spilling out to the ring and trading some of the sickest chops I've ever heard. Just as it started to pick up speed, the bell rang -- time had run out, and it would be a draw. This was a shame, because now we'd never know who the better man was.

So now, with the return of Lones Oaks, Team Pain stands united and at full strength, prepared to take the battle to MCW. And what of MCW? Are they prepared for what's to come?

The fourth seal has been opened and the pale rider has been released.

The saga continues -- and friends, it's far from over.

Till next time, I am the Reverend Rogue Six -- and I'll see you at ringside!